Dear Alec Baldwin,
First of all, I loved you in that thing that you were in. I’m just joking of course. I’ve seen in you in a lot of films and, of course, your work on 30 Rock From the Sun and SNL. I think that your monologue from Glengarry Glen Ross is perfection. Your swearing made me cry. Now on to business:
I read that you were recently removed from an American Airlines plane because you refused to put your phone away or something like that. I heard that you were playing the popular ‘Scrabble’ type game Words with Friends. I love that game. I try to have at least ten games going at one time. Some of my friends cheat but I don’t mind because I figure that if it makes them feel better to just randomly input letters then I don’t want to take that pleasure away from them. I’m wondering if you’d like to play a game with me some time. I’m sure you would win and I would definitely not cheat. It would be an honour to lose to you. If you’re interested, my Words with Friends handle is bellyofawhale. That’s also my Twitter handle. You can follow me on there too if you ever come back to Twitter.
Nextly, as coincidence would have it, I organize an evening of spoken word performances, storytelling, music, and comedy that is also called Words with Friends. Isn’t that a good name? I like to think so. I think you would enjoy Words with Friends here in Edmonton. Maybe you should come and pay us a visit in late January. What do you think?
My girlfriend lives in a nice place and there’s plenty of room for you and any other companions you might have with you. I think you should fly out here and stay with us for a week or so. We’ll pick you up from the airport, see the sights, and then have a nice evening at Words with Friends 5. You could even read a little something yourself if you’d prefer. I’ll write something special just for you. I have a series of stories about Jennifer Love Hewitt that have been quite popular. I could write one about her and that movie she made with you where she played the Devil and you were a person who made a deal with the Devil. Not one person saw that movie, did they Alec Baldwin?
You’re a vegetarian, right? I respect that. I’ve considered becoming vegetarian myself. I would still eat eggs though, and peanut butter. If peanut butter is ever labeled as meat then I will be in big trouble. Edmonton has plenty of vegetarians and when they’re not sick at home in bed with the flu or anemia they like to frequent one of the many vegetarian and vegan restaurants in the city. I’m sure that if one or two of them have enough strength to get themselves out of bed that morning that they could squire you around for a nice ethical meal.
So what do you say Alec Baldwin? Do you fancy a game of Words with Friends? Why don’t you come out to Edmonton in the New Year? I think your brother Daniel was out around here once to film a movie. I think he even came to our film festival once. Please consider coming for a visit. Feel free to call, email or even fax me. The place where I work has a fax machine. Yes I know I can’t believe people still actually fax things either.
Thanks Alec Baldwin. Have a great Christmas and a very happy New Year.
Jason Lee Norman